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Friday, 4 November 2016
NIGERIAN PRESIDENT BUHARI 2015 CAMPAIGN PROMISES
1. Public declaration of assets and liabilities
2. State and community policing
3. Ban on all government officials from seeking medical care abroad
4. Implementation of the National Gender Policy, including 35% of appointive positions for women
5. Revival of Ajaokuta steel company
6. Generation, transmission and distribution of at least 20,000 MW of electricity within four years and increasing to 50,000 MW with a view to achieving 24/7 uninterrupted power supply within 10 years.
7. Empowerment scheme to employ 740,000 graduates across the 36 states and the Federal Capital Territory.
8. Establishment of a free-tuition and scholarship scheme for pupils who have shown exceptional aptitude in science subjects at O/Levels to study ICT-related courses.
9. 720,000 jobs by the 36 states in the federation yearly (20,000 per state).
10. Three million Jobs per year
11. To embark on vocational training, entrepreneurial and skills acquisition schemes for graduates along with the creation of a Small Business Loan Guarantee Scheme to create at least 5 million new jobs by 2019.
12. Churches and Mosques would not pay taxes under national laws, but if they engage in businesses, the businesses would pay tax.
13. Provision of allowances to the discharged but unemployed Youth Corps members for Twelve (12) months while in the skills and entrepreneurial development programme
14. Making the economy one of the fastest-growing emerging economies in the world with a real GDP growth averaging 10% annually.
15. Creation of a Social Welfare Programme of at least fivethousand naira (N5000) that will cater for the 25 million poorest and most vulnerable citizens upon the demonstration of children’s enrollment in school and evidence of immunisation to help promote family stability 16. Recruitment and training of at least 100,000 officers into the Nigerian police force and establish a Federal Anti-terrorism Agency.
17. One free meal (to include fruits) daily, for public primary school pupils
18. Building an airport in Ekiti State
19. Eradication of state of origin, replacing that with state of residence to ensure Nigerians are Nigerians first before anything else.
20. Establishment of crime squad to combat terrorism, kidnapping, armed robbery, militants, ethno-religious and communal clashes nationwide
21. Working with the National Assembly towards the immediate enactment of a Whistle Blower Act
22. Economic stability for the ECOWAS nations and maintaining a strong, close and frank relationship with West Africa, South Africa, UK, USA, Canada, and other African countries 23. Establishing a conflict resolution commission to help prevent, mitigate and resolve civil conflicts within the polity. READ ALSO: Buhari Is Clueless On How To Solve Nigeria’s Problems – Balarabe Musa
24. All political office holders earn only the salaries and emoluments determined and approved by the Revenue Mobilisation and Fiscal Commission (RMFAC).
25. Permanent peace in the Niger Delta and other conflict prone areas such as Plateau, Taraba, Bauchi, Borno and Abia.
26. No plans to Islamise Nigeria.
27. Nationwide sanitation plans to keep Nigeria clean
28. Preserving the independence of the Central Bank
29. Simplifying immigration process to foster faster visa processing at points of entry.
30. Special incentives to facilitate the education of the girl child
31. Full implementation of the National Identification Scheme to generate the relevant data. 32. Making Information Technology, Manufacturing, Agriculture and Entertainment key drivers of our economy
33. Balancing the economy across regions by the creation of six new Regional Economic Development Agencies (REDAs) to act as champions of sub-regional competitiveness
34. Putting in place a N300 billion regional growth fund (average of N50 billion in each geo-political region) to be managed by the REDAs.
35. Amending the Constitution and the Land Use Act to create freehold/leasehold interests in land along with matching grants for states to create a nationwide electronic land title register on a state by state basis.
36. Reviving and reactivating the minimally performing refineries to optimum capacity.
37. Creating additional middle-class of at least two million new home owners in the first year in government and one million annually thereafter.
38. Creating an additional middle class of at least four million new home owners by 2019 by enacting national mortgage single digit interest rates for purchase of owner occupier houses as well as reviewing the collateral qualification to make funding for home ownership easier, with 15 to 30 year mortgage terms.
39. Enacting a national mortgage system that will lend at single digit interest rates for purchase of owner occupier houses.
40. Injecting extra N30 billion into the Agricultural sector to create more agro-allied jobs by way of loans at nominal interest rates for capital investment on medium and commercial scale cash crops.
41. You farm, government buys, guaranteeing a minimum price for selected crops and facilitate storage of agricultural products as and when necessary.
42. Creating a national infrastructural development bank to provide loans at nominal interest rates exclusively for this sector. 43. Construction of 3,000km of superhighway including service trunks.
44. Building of up to 4,800km of modern railway lines – one third to be completed by 2019.
45. At least one functioning airport is available in each of the 36 states.
46. Ending gas flaring and ensuring sales of at least half of gas produce, within Nigeria.
47. Speedily passing the much-delayed Petroleum Industry Bill (PIB) and ensuring that local content issues are fully addressed.
48. Establishing at least six new universities of science and technology with satellite campuses in various states.
49. Establishing six centres of excellence to address the needs of special education.
50. Prioritising the reduction of the infant mortality rate by 2019 to 3%. 51. Reducing maternal mortality by more than 70%.
52. Reducing HIV/AIDs infection rate by 50% and other infectious diseases by 75%. 53. Improving life expectancy by additional 10 years on average.
54. Increasing the number of physicians from 19 per 1000 population to 50 per 1000
55. Increasing national health expenditure per person per annum to about N50,000 (from less than N10,000 currently).
56. Increasing the quality of all federal government-owned hospitals to world class standard within five years.
57. Ensuring timely payment of retirement benefits for all pensioned senior citizens and creating a poverty safety net for all aged citizens above the age of 65.
58. Amending the Constitution to require local governments to publish their meeting minutes, service performance data, and items of spending over N10 million.
59. Requiring full disclosure in media outlets, of all government contracts over N100 million prior to award and during implementation at regular interval.
60. Amending the Constitution to remove immunity from prosecution for elected officers in criminal case.
61. Initiating action to amend the Nigerian Constitution with a view to devolving powers, duties, and responsibilities to states in order to entrench true federalism and the federal spirit. READ ALSO: NASS Crisis: APC Watchdog Calls For Immediate Resignation Of Oyegun
62. Reforming and strengthening the justice system for efficient administration and dispensation of justice with the creation of special courts for accelerated hearing of corruption, drug trafficking, terrorism and similar cases of national importance.
63. Establishing world-class sports academy and training institutes and ensure that Nigeria occupies a place of pride in global sports and athletics.
64. Reviving the Nigerian football league and putting incentives in place to make it as competitive as other national leagues.
65. Putting in place measures to identify talents early and ensuring their participation in local and international games to enable them become professionals.
66. Assisting Nollywood to fully develop into world class movie industry that can compete effectively with Hollywood and Bollywood in due course.
67. Ensuring that the rights of women are protected as enshrined in our Constitution.
68. Guaranteeing that women are adequately represented in government appointments and providing greater opportunities in education, job creation and economic empowerment.
69. Promoting the concept of reserving a minimum number of seats in the National Assembly for women.
70. Free maternal and children healthcare services.
71. Stabilising the naira.
72. Targeting up to 20% of our annual budget for this critical sector whilst making substantial investments in training quality teachers at all levels of the educational system (some other APC policy documents had 15%).
73. Ensuring compliance with policies and measures to halt the pollution of rivers and waterways in the Niger Delta and other parts of the country.
74. Adopting a holistic approach to erosion and shoreline protection across the country.
75. ECOWAS currency by 2020 under Nigeria’s guidance and leadership.
76. Maintaining strong, close and frank relationships within the Gulf of Guinea, the Commonwealth, South Africa and the rest of the world.
77. Establishing a new special relationship with the leading emerging markets like Brazil, Russia, India and China (BRIC) and other strategic partners around the world.
78. Government intends to commission a sociological study to determine Boko Haram’s origins, remote and immediate causes of the movement, its sponsors, the international connections to ensure that measures are taken to prevent a recurrence of the evil.
79. Strengthening INEC to reduce, if possible, eliminate electoral malpractices in Nigerian’s political life.
80. Improving operational and legal mechanisms so that disciplinary steps are taken against proven human rights violations by the Armed Forces.
81. Free education at primary, secondary and tertiary institutions for Science, Technology.
Which one of this campaign promises has been fulfilled and which one of them do you think is unrealistic?
2. State and community policing
3. Ban on all government officials from seeking medical care abroad
4. Implementation of the National Gender Policy, including 35% of appointive positions for women
5. Revival of Ajaokuta steel company
6. Generation, transmission and distribution of at least 20,000 MW of electricity within four years and increasing to 50,000 MW with a view to achieving 24/7 uninterrupted power supply within 10 years.
7. Empowerment scheme to employ 740,000 graduates across the 36 states and the Federal Capital Territory.
8. Establishment of a free-tuition and scholarship scheme for pupils who have shown exceptional aptitude in science subjects at O/Levels to study ICT-related courses.
9. 720,000 jobs by the 36 states in the federation yearly (20,000 per state).
10. Three million Jobs per year
11. To embark on vocational training, entrepreneurial and skills acquisition schemes for graduates along with the creation of a Small Business Loan Guarantee Scheme to create at least 5 million new jobs by 2019.
12. Churches and Mosques would not pay taxes under national laws, but if they engage in businesses, the businesses would pay tax.
13. Provision of allowances to the discharged but unemployed Youth Corps members for Twelve (12) months while in the skills and entrepreneurial development programme
14. Making the economy one of the fastest-growing emerging economies in the world with a real GDP growth averaging 10% annually.
15. Creation of a Social Welfare Programme of at least fivethousand naira (N5000) that will cater for the 25 million poorest and most vulnerable citizens upon the demonstration of children’s enrollment in school and evidence of immunisation to help promote family stability 16. Recruitment and training of at least 100,000 officers into the Nigerian police force and establish a Federal Anti-terrorism Agency.
17. One free meal (to include fruits) daily, for public primary school pupils
18. Building an airport in Ekiti State
19. Eradication of state of origin, replacing that with state of residence to ensure Nigerians are Nigerians first before anything else.
20. Establishment of crime squad to combat terrorism, kidnapping, armed robbery, militants, ethno-religious and communal clashes nationwide
21. Working with the National Assembly towards the immediate enactment of a Whistle Blower Act
22. Economic stability for the ECOWAS nations and maintaining a strong, close and frank relationship with West Africa, South Africa, UK, USA, Canada, and other African countries 23. Establishing a conflict resolution commission to help prevent, mitigate and resolve civil conflicts within the polity. READ ALSO: Buhari Is Clueless On How To Solve Nigeria’s Problems – Balarabe Musa
24. All political office holders earn only the salaries and emoluments determined and approved by the Revenue Mobilisation and Fiscal Commission (RMFAC).
25. Permanent peace in the Niger Delta and other conflict prone areas such as Plateau, Taraba, Bauchi, Borno and Abia.
26. No plans to Islamise Nigeria.
27. Nationwide sanitation plans to keep Nigeria clean
28. Preserving the independence of the Central Bank
29. Simplifying immigration process to foster faster visa processing at points of entry.
30. Special incentives to facilitate the education of the girl child
31. Full implementation of the National Identification Scheme to generate the relevant data. 32. Making Information Technology, Manufacturing, Agriculture and Entertainment key drivers of our economy
33. Balancing the economy across regions by the creation of six new Regional Economic Development Agencies (REDAs) to act as champions of sub-regional competitiveness
34. Putting in place a N300 billion regional growth fund (average of N50 billion in each geo-political region) to be managed by the REDAs.
35. Amending the Constitution and the Land Use Act to create freehold/leasehold interests in land along with matching grants for states to create a nationwide electronic land title register on a state by state basis.
36. Reviving and reactivating the minimally performing refineries to optimum capacity.
37. Creating additional middle-class of at least two million new home owners in the first year in government and one million annually thereafter.
38. Creating an additional middle class of at least four million new home owners by 2019 by enacting national mortgage single digit interest rates for purchase of owner occupier houses as well as reviewing the collateral qualification to make funding for home ownership easier, with 15 to 30 year mortgage terms.
39. Enacting a national mortgage system that will lend at single digit interest rates for purchase of owner occupier houses.
40. Injecting extra N30 billion into the Agricultural sector to create more agro-allied jobs by way of loans at nominal interest rates for capital investment on medium and commercial scale cash crops.
41. You farm, government buys, guaranteeing a minimum price for selected crops and facilitate storage of agricultural products as and when necessary.
42. Creating a national infrastructural development bank to provide loans at nominal interest rates exclusively for this sector. 43. Construction of 3,000km of superhighway including service trunks.
44. Building of up to 4,800km of modern railway lines – one third to be completed by 2019.
45. At least one functioning airport is available in each of the 36 states.
46. Ending gas flaring and ensuring sales of at least half of gas produce, within Nigeria.
47. Speedily passing the much-delayed Petroleum Industry Bill (PIB) and ensuring that local content issues are fully addressed.
48. Establishing at least six new universities of science and technology with satellite campuses in various states.
49. Establishing six centres of excellence to address the needs of special education.
50. Prioritising the reduction of the infant mortality rate by 2019 to 3%. 51. Reducing maternal mortality by more than 70%.
52. Reducing HIV/AIDs infection rate by 50% and other infectious diseases by 75%. 53. Improving life expectancy by additional 10 years on average.
54. Increasing the number of physicians from 19 per 1000 population to 50 per 1000
55. Increasing national health expenditure per person per annum to about N50,000 (from less than N10,000 currently).
56. Increasing the quality of all federal government-owned hospitals to world class standard within five years.
57. Ensuring timely payment of retirement benefits for all pensioned senior citizens and creating a poverty safety net for all aged citizens above the age of 65.
58. Amending the Constitution to require local governments to publish their meeting minutes, service performance data, and items of spending over N10 million.
59. Requiring full disclosure in media outlets, of all government contracts over N100 million prior to award and during implementation at regular interval.
60. Amending the Constitution to remove immunity from prosecution for elected officers in criminal case.
61. Initiating action to amend the Nigerian Constitution with a view to devolving powers, duties, and responsibilities to states in order to entrench true federalism and the federal spirit. READ ALSO: NASS Crisis: APC Watchdog Calls For Immediate Resignation Of Oyegun
62. Reforming and strengthening the justice system for efficient administration and dispensation of justice with the creation of special courts for accelerated hearing of corruption, drug trafficking, terrorism and similar cases of national importance.
63. Establishing world-class sports academy and training institutes and ensure that Nigeria occupies a place of pride in global sports and athletics.
64. Reviving the Nigerian football league and putting incentives in place to make it as competitive as other national leagues.
65. Putting in place measures to identify talents early and ensuring their participation in local and international games to enable them become professionals.
66. Assisting Nollywood to fully develop into world class movie industry that can compete effectively with Hollywood and Bollywood in due course.
67. Ensuring that the rights of women are protected as enshrined in our Constitution.
68. Guaranteeing that women are adequately represented in government appointments and providing greater opportunities in education, job creation and economic empowerment.
69. Promoting the concept of reserving a minimum number of seats in the National Assembly for women.
70. Free maternal and children healthcare services.
71. Stabilising the naira.
72. Targeting up to 20% of our annual budget for this critical sector whilst making substantial investments in training quality teachers at all levels of the educational system (some other APC policy documents had 15%).
73. Ensuring compliance with policies and measures to halt the pollution of rivers and waterways in the Niger Delta and other parts of the country.
74. Adopting a holistic approach to erosion and shoreline protection across the country.
75. ECOWAS currency by 2020 under Nigeria’s guidance and leadership.
76. Maintaining strong, close and frank relationships within the Gulf of Guinea, the Commonwealth, South Africa and the rest of the world.
77. Establishing a new special relationship with the leading emerging markets like Brazil, Russia, India and China (BRIC) and other strategic partners around the world.
78. Government intends to commission a sociological study to determine Boko Haram’s origins, remote and immediate causes of the movement, its sponsors, the international connections to ensure that measures are taken to prevent a recurrence of the evil.
79. Strengthening INEC to reduce, if possible, eliminate electoral malpractices in Nigerian’s political life.
80. Improving operational and legal mechanisms so that disciplinary steps are taken against proven human rights violations by the Armed Forces.
81. Free education at primary, secondary and tertiary institutions for Science, Technology.
Which one of this campaign promises has been fulfilled and which one of them do you think is unrealistic?
Friday, 28 October 2016
HOW HEALTHY IS COMEDY?
Jokes are essential parts of our life. They help us to not only stay optimistic, but support conversations and even relations with the others. Everyone should know when people laugh together, it makes them closer to each other. However, there are those, who do not have that good sense of humour. Such people need some kind of assistance, and for them we want to offer 10 funniest Nigerian jokes.
Let’s start with the observation what a joke actually is and which features makes it a good one. Only after this, you will be able to estimate 10 funniest Nigerian jokes. You probably think that only professional comedians are capable of creating smart and funny jests. Nevertheless, it is not true. Every person can do that.
Types of comedy
It is essential to select your so-called “genre”. Thus, you will know what direction to work in and your ideas will be more concrete. Consider the following kinds:
Satire. In this case, you are mocking at a particular section of society or politicians. We can point some criticism be means of such fun.
Slapstick. It is a kind of rude joke. For example, somebody tells you to be careful, while you, being distracted from what you have been doing, make a mistake or fall down, etc.
Irony. It is when the opposite of what has been expected happens or where someone says the opposite of what they actually mean. There is a lack of harmony between reality and expected things.
Parody. The comedians imitate someone’s behavior or manners in order to create a comic effect.
Spoof. It is a slight imitation. Its purpose is not to ridicule. People just have fun seeing familiar things.
Sarcasm. It mostly concerns short remarks, which are intended to insult somebody. Some stated idea is usually used as a basis. It also often features irony.
Black comedy. Such humorous jokes are specific. They make fun on serious issues. Their aim is to ease the pain or point some important things.
Farce. This type of comedy deals with complete exaggeration. Preposterous situations are applied.
Surrealism. Such jests contain bizarre and unexpected things.
Thus, you see that Nigeria jokes and comedy are very rich in their types. If you want to become a comedian and surprise your friends, you need to first define your style.
Funny Nigerian jokes
You have probably heard that the most famous jokes in Nigeria are Akpos ones. So, the funniest jokes in Nigeria are as follows:
1. Pregnant Maid.
Our daughter is pregnant!
That’s her problem.
Neighbours are talking!
It is their problem!
I am nervous.
It is your problem.
- They are sure it is yours!
That’s my problem!
2.
Midnight.
Midnight.
The man comes too late and knocks the door. His wife says:
- Go back from where you have just come.
- I will jump into a pool.
- Whatever. Kill yourself.
The man throws a stone into the water. The wife runs out of the house to help, while the man is carefully comes inside and locks the door. The woman is in shock:
- Let me in or I will shout!
- Oh, and you will explain all the neighbors where you have come from in your pants and bra in the midnight.
3. Three Thieves.
Three criminals are in the court for getting their punishment. The judge says: I will give it corresponding to the number of things you have stolen. The first man received just a year for a can of sardine. The second one got 30 years for taking a tray of eggs. Akpos appeared to be the least lucky, as he took a bag of rice…
4. 
At the Border.
At the Border.
A man crosses the border on the bicycle. The officer on the Custom asks:
- What are you carrying?
- Just rice.
The officer spent much time checking and found nothing but rice. The second time the situation repeated.
- What are you caring?
- Rice.
Proper examinations were made in vain again. Once the officer met that man in the bar, he asked:
- Tell me in secret, what are you smuggling?
- Bicycles.
5. Who killed Abel.
A policeman is reading a Bible. Akpos comes to him and asks:
-Who killed Abel?
-Ask the one in charge of murder cases! – shouts the officer.
6.
First Class.
First Class.
Akpos comes home and tells his father:
- I have got the highest points at school today!
The father was very happy and spent all his money to celebrate it. But when they came home the dad saw the real marks of his son.
- What does it suppose to mean?!
- April Fool’s Day!
7. Our Problem.
The Akpos comes home from his office very upset.
- What happened?
- I have some problems in my office.
- All the problems are ours!
- So, then a secretary in our office is pregnant for us.
The wife fainted.
8. 
Attractive. Darling.
Attractive. Darling.
Says the wife, – I’m already 55, but one of your friends thinks I am very beautiful. The man answers: I am sure it is Brad. But how did you know? – asks the woman in astonishment. And gets the reply: He always deals in leftovers…
9. Cemetery.
A man writes on the forum:
Our politicians go to Europe for education, to Paris for holidays, to Dubai for shopping, to the US for work. They only want to go to Nigeria for being buried here. I want to ask: Is it a cemetery?
10. Missing Phone.
Akpos is looking for his phone in the darkness. He uses the light of his lost device. Where is it? – he asks. Then a call comes. Akpos answers: I will call you back later, I’ve lost my mobile! After thinking a bit, he tries to dial his number on the phone in his hands. And… he hears a busy signal. Oh, forget it! – says Akpos, – the phone has been stolen and someone has just cut my call!
These funny stories are very popular in Nigeria. You can find them and many other Nigerian jokes and comedy on the Internet. Enjoy reading them and share with your mates via social networks .
'Phenom' Ronaldo deserves Ballon d'Or
Real Madrid coach Zinedine Zidane backed Cristiano Ronaldo's case for a fourth Ballon d'Or on Friday despite the Portuguese superstar's current struggles in front of goal.
Ronaldo won both the Champions League with Real and Portugal's first ever major tournament at Euro 2016 to make him the favourite to land the award for the world's best player on January 9 next year.
"He clearly deserves the Ballon d'Or," said Zidane ahead of Saturday's trip to Alaves in La Liga.
"Not just at an individual level, but above all on a collective level...he knows everything he is achieving is thanks to his hard work and the work of those around him."
Ronaldo is expected to face competition from five-time winner Lionel Messi, Madrid teammate Gareth Bale and Atletico Madrid and France forward Antoine Griezmann for the award.
However, his form has slumped since his return from a two-month injury layoff after suffering knee ligament damage in the Euro 2016 final.
"What Cristiano has done is raise the bar so high that every time he doesn't score it is a problem," added Zidane.
Ronaldo has netted just four times in nine appearances for Madrid so far this season, by a distance his worst return at this stage of the campaign in seven seasons with the European champions.
"He is angry (about not scoring), but there is no bigger worry than that," continued Zidane.
"Every time he doesn't score there is a furore, but he has to live with these things. He is a phenom."
Ronaldo is expected to be partnered by Bale and Karim Benzema once more in the Madrid front line despite the fine form of Alvaro Morata.
The Spanish international came off the bench to score the winner against Athletic Bilbao last weekend and bagged a double in a 7-1 rout of Cultural Leonesa in the Copa del Rey on Wednesday.
However, captain Sergio Ramos, Luka Modric and Casemiro remain out injured.
MESMERIZING JOKES
Plantains
Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?
He asks "Which one? The ripe one or the unripe one?", some people (like me) have trouble with the 'r', and with some people, it sounds like an 'l'
Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na 'DODO',
if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'
if you loast am, na 'BORLI'
All of them na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell?
LONDON ZOO
A Nigerian youngster who was visiting the United Kingdom for the first time was taken to the London zoo for sightseeing. On getting to the section where monkeys are kept, he was amazed to see other tourists giving out plenty of money to the monkeys that were hopping around doing acrobatics. The more the acrobatics, the more the tourists enjoyed the show and the more the money (hard currency) the monkeys got.
This young man suddenly had an idea and when he got back to Nigeria, he started learning all kinds of acrobatics. He visited his medicine man and asked for a portion that will transform him into a monkey.
During his next visit to London, he went into the zoo and took the portion and was transformed into a monkey. He joined the other monkeys and started his own type of modern, systematic and attractive acrobatics. He soon caught the attention of all the tourists who wasted no time in showering him with plenty of pounds sterling. He was now making more money than the real monkeys.
The king of the monkeys didn't like this and challenged the new monkey to an acrobatic duel. The contest was tough and very keen but the new monkey won. The king monkey had to go on exile in shame but before he left he set a trap for the intruding monkey who now became the new king.
The next day, monkey business started as usual, with money coming in from the tourists. There was this particular tourist who really enjoyed the show that he threw a lot of money into the cage. The new king pocketed his money but to his amazement all the other monkeys threw their earnings into the adjacent cage. The new king could not comprehend this and would not allow all that money to go away like that; so he jumped into the adjacent cage to pick up the money. It was only when he got there that he realized it was a lion's cage.
The lion looked at him, looked at the money and roared and started toward the monkey who was now sweating, shaking and foaming in the mouth.
Half way, the lion suddenly stopped, looked at the monkey again and said:
"Oh boy, if no bi say we all na Naija, I for show you."
Hungry and Broke
There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.
However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.
The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble, he let the brother leave.
Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.
Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Beer. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir, I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so, " Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"
NNA, IYON AND KANABAR
An Akwa Ibom passenger once boarded a bus in Lagos. The bus driver was an Ijaw man and the conductor was a Calabar man.
The Akwa Ibom man said to the bus conductor, "Ah de ko ori oro."
The conductor then told the driver, "Idi-oro wa O."
On the way, the bus had a flat tire. The Ijaw man then told his conductor, "Zackson, get the zack, make you put the spare tire. Make you no allow us sleep for road in Nagos O."
The conductor cracked up in laughter, "Oka Yohn, you dey call yack Zack, You no know say dem no go understand you for Dagos."
One Igbo man then disembarked the bus in anger and exclaimed, "Ekolo Gbeja mi, Malu fo soke.",
Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?
He asks "Which one? The ripe one or the unripe one?", some people (like me) have trouble with the 'r', and with some people, it sounds like an 'l'
Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na 'DODO',
if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'
if you loast am, na 'BORLI'
All of them na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell?
LONDON ZOO
A Nigerian youngster who was visiting the United Kingdom for the first time was taken to the London zoo for sightseeing. On getting to the section where monkeys are kept, he was amazed to see other tourists giving out plenty of money to the monkeys that were hopping around doing acrobatics. The more the acrobatics, the more the tourists enjoyed the show and the more the money (hard currency) the monkeys got.
This young man suddenly had an idea and when he got back to Nigeria, he started learning all kinds of acrobatics. He visited his medicine man and asked for a portion that will transform him into a monkey.
During his next visit to London, he went into the zoo and took the portion and was transformed into a monkey. He joined the other monkeys and started his own type of modern, systematic and attractive acrobatics. He soon caught the attention of all the tourists who wasted no time in showering him with plenty of pounds sterling. He was now making more money than the real monkeys.
The king of the monkeys didn't like this and challenged the new monkey to an acrobatic duel. The contest was tough and very keen but the new monkey won. The king monkey had to go on exile in shame but before he left he set a trap for the intruding monkey who now became the new king.
The next day, monkey business started as usual, with money coming in from the tourists. There was this particular tourist who really enjoyed the show that he threw a lot of money into the cage. The new king pocketed his money but to his amazement all the other monkeys threw their earnings into the adjacent cage. The new king could not comprehend this and would not allow all that money to go away like that; so he jumped into the adjacent cage to pick up the money. It was only when he got there that he realized it was a lion's cage.
The lion looked at him, looked at the money and roared and started toward the monkey who was now sweating, shaking and foaming in the mouth.
Half way, the lion suddenly stopped, looked at the monkey again and said:
"Oh boy, if no bi say we all na Naija, I for show you."
Hungry and Broke
There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.
However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.
The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble, he let the brother leave.
Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.
Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Beer. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir, I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so, " Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"
NNA, IYON AND KANABAR
An Akwa Ibom passenger once boarded a bus in Lagos. The bus driver was an Ijaw man and the conductor was a Calabar man.
The Akwa Ibom man said to the bus conductor, "Ah de ko ori oro."
The conductor then told the driver, "Idi-oro wa O."
On the way, the bus had a flat tire. The Ijaw man then told his conductor, "Zackson, get the zack, make you put the spare tire. Make you no allow us sleep for road in Nagos O."
The conductor cracked up in laughter, "Oka Yohn, you dey call yack Zack, You no know say dem no go understand you for Dagos."
One Igbo man then disembarked the bus in anger and exclaimed, "Ekolo Gbeja mi, Malu fo soke.",
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